Friday, September 23, 2011

If I Quit Putting Quarters in the Merry-Go-Round Will It Just Stop?

Okay, well the beginning of this was my thought process when there was a possibility the ovarian cancer was recurring. I started writing this in June, and those of you who know me know the rest of the story which appears after my rant about the possible recurrence.

Previously on "What's Going on in My Head"

(June, 2011) Well, this just sucks! (Yes, I know my sweet daughters, I told you all your lives not use that expression.) But this REALLY does suck!

Will I have to get back on the chemo merry-go-round and if I do, do I have any more quarters? That's a tough one. You see, original symptoms are almost all back, CA-125 is up. A lot. And the doc says he feels something. Wouldn't worry about the something he feels if the CA-125 wasn't up and wouldn't worry about the CA-125 if he hadn't felt something. Oh, yes, and there are the symptoms, that if you check are all pretty common for my age, weight, etc. (Ladies, please go to my "Fight Like a Girl Page" and memorize those symptoms and get to the doctor pronto if you have any of them for more than two weeks!)

Okay, back to my rant... did I mention that research now shows that worry and stress contribute to the growth of the beast commonly known as ovarian cancer? Hmmm. Now let's see, can I really choose not to worry and stress out? I try. I really do. And I think I've done a pretty dang good job, too. I think I've had a really good attitude. I have turned it over to the Lord as I know to do and as many are quick to remind me to do.  But enough already. I don't want back on that ride. I don't want to do that again. And CAN  I even do it again? ...and so went the rant.

Fast Forward...Is It Really September Already?

Well, yep. The beast is back. With a vengeance. CA-125 shot up from my steady 12-14 to 300+ faster than a speeding bullet. Glad I listened to my body and not my former doc's nurse. She said back in late May or early June when I asked for another CA-125 before my next appointment which was scheduled in AUGUST, that "we" just couldn't justify another CA-125 at that time. I changed doctors. And I'm sure glad I did. The new doc (same clinic) got me in right away and found out that, sure enough, my CA-125 was rapidly increasing. It got to 300+ (it was only 135 when I was diagnosed in 2009). Pretty scary, huh? Glad I got a new doc and didn't wait until August!

New doc, bless his heart, said that we're racing against time and started chemo immediately (well, as immediately as I would let him -- you, see, I needed a couple of weeks to take this all in.) The best treatment, he said, would have been a combination of Doxil and Carboplatin; however when it came time for my first treatment, there was a shortage of Doxil (that's a rant for another day). I started on the two drugs that I had before, Taxol (the best hair remover on the market) and Carboplatin.

I've had three treatments so far, and so far, they appear to be working. The plan has been to see if this works and if it doesn't we're going to take a little "vacation" to Houston, Texas, and see what those docs know. Road trip, yay! (NOT!) There are no mountains in Houston. I need mountains. Mountains speak to me.

So I guess I have concluded that I have a few more quarters and I'm back on the merry-go-round. Life is still good. Every day is precious.

Thanks for sharing my journey.

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. -- You can, too. Just talk to Him about it.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Life I Love You, All is Groovy...Well Mostly

Slow down, you move too fast
You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobble stones
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy
Feelin' groovy

Hello lamppost what you knowing?
I've come to watch your flowers growing
Ain't you got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in' do-do feelin' groovy
Feelin' groovy

Got no deeds to do, no promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life, I love you all is groovy

Okay, so I'm old enough to remember a 1966 Simon and Garfunkel song,  and you know what? I even had an 8-track with that song on it. Played it in my Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme. Best. Car. Ever. But I digress. 

I've had this song on my mind all day. I don't really know why unless it's the fact that I've thought a lot lately about how fast time flies. And because today has been a Dory day (you know Dory, the absent minded fish on Finding Nemo?). "Follow me...Why are you following me?" Okay, sorry, there I go again.

(Have I mentioned that I now have the attention span of a three year old?)

Anyway, back to the song. I'm trying to adapt to this new lifestyle of mine. No, it's not always fun and groovy, but it is slower and different. Lots to do, but no real demands on me to get anything done by a deadline most of the time. (Hero is very patient with me and my Doryness.) I have slowed down a lot. And I start a lot of projects but never get them finished. (I can hear my daughters now..."Ha! What else is new?" I've always been a starter and not a finisher, it's just gotten worse. Like way worse. I don't just abandon my projects anymore, I completely forget about them.

I started several things today. Since insomnia is now my nightly companion, I end up sleeping too late in the morning. Then I have to have some coffee to kick-start my brain, and then I start a project, get around to some breakfast, start another project, because I forgot the first one I started, then it's lunch time, another project and...well, you see what I mean? And I take lots of breaks because the old energy level she ain't what she used to be. 

Today among other things I had some medical bills/insurance things to tend to; get to the CPA's and get our taxes finalized; cleaned out a bathroom closet (not a small task); and helped Hero plant some blueberry bushes. But I still had piles of dishes, piles of papers, piles of laundry, piles of this and piles of that (Okay, no off color humor about piles here, okay?)

Every day I wake up and say I'm going to get it all done and every day I go off on a Dory trip. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. Shoot, tomorrow, I just may find me a lamp-post and strike up a conversation and go and watch it's flowers growing! Or go kicking down the cobble stones. Who knows? But that's okay, cause "Life I Love You, All is Groovy!"

DORY ALERT: Forgot to mention that this whole post started with the song and how I've been thinking about how summer seems to be coming upon us so fast. BECAUSE...just today a hummingbird came to my front door, no doubt to remind me that it is once again time to put the feeders out -- what was he holding...a tiny tin cup???? Okay, it's very late. And I saw a lightning bug last night! Yeah, already!!! Slow down -- we're moving too fast!!!!!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Ordinary Days

My perspective has changed. I don't know if it's because of age, empty nest, or cancer -- or maybe all of the above -- but things are different now. There's just something very extraordinary about ordinary days.

Just now I have my window open and a cool night breeze is blowing in. I can hear the coyotes just starting to run in the woods behind the house, and oddly enough the neighborhood dogs all sit silently as the intruders pass through. I wonder...why are the dogs that normally bark at moon shadows suddenly silent? What's up with that? I wish I knew. It doesn't really matter, now does it? It is what it is, and yet it's one of those ordinary things that I never really paid any attention to before....well before whatever...but now I wonder.

Sunsets are more beautiful than they've ever been. (I'm sure the sunrises are nicer, too, but alas I've become an insomniac and do my best sleeping when I should be getting up.) Rain is fresher. Everything seems greener this spring than ever. Ordinary days.

We've been entertained by a very territorial pair of bluebirds this spring. While busying themselves with nestbuilding in the cute little bluebird house we provided for them, they discovered their reflections in our car side-view mirrors and our car windows, and have wreaked havoc with our automobiles. How two tiny little birds can make such a mess on a car I'll never know. Mind you, we've had bluebirds lo these 20-plus years we've lived here on Mockingbird Hill, yet never have had them declare war with their reflections in our cars and trucks. Maybe it's a revenge thing. Maybe they wanted this land to be called Bluebird Hill. Who knows? Someday I'll post a video that Hero took one afternoon of one of the silly birds doing battle with the Camry. It's a hoot.

We have a few stranger-than-strange critter stories from the Hill -- crazy cardinals, Carolina wrens, fly-days (oh, don't get me started on that one), a black lab who thinks it's her lot in life to retrieve turtles, Charlottes and their webs, oh, and killdeers (we say kildees here in the south) and ....I could go on, but I'll save those for another time. And we have families of squirrels now that the oak trees are producing bumper crops of acorns. I guess there's not much hope for pecans when the trees we planted mature. Oh, well, I love watching the squirrels. I can buy pecans.

Time spent with family and friends is more precious than it's ever been. We don't have to do anything "entertaining" -- just hanging out is enough. Ordinary stuff.

Who knew that just sitting out on the patio with Hero, even when we don't have much to say, could be so, well, extraordinary?

I never realized what a restless and I guess discontented person I was until now. Looking back it seems like I always lived very tentatively. Maybe everybody does to an extent. You know, if I can accomplish that...overcome this hurdle...whatever...everything will be better. I am now living in the moment, realizing that I don't have to have anything else, do anything else, or be anyone else to be content. God has blessed me with my husband who is really and truly my hero, two wonderful daughters, funny and loving sisters, nieces and nephews galore, each with his or her own unique "thing" I love about them, and better friends than a person could ever ask for. Most of all my loving Heavenly Father has allowed me to be adopted into His family by way of His Son. I am blessed, and life is good.

I hope you, too, will take the time to see the extraordinary in ordinary days.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. -- Matthew 6:34 

P.S. While you're taking the time to find the extraordinary in the ordinary, ponder on these lyrics from one of my all-time favorite songs "Cool, An' Green, An' Shady" by John Denver. Or better yet, look it up on YouTube and listen to it.
(Yes, I said John Denver...don't judge have your oldie faves, too!) 

Saturdays, holidays, easy afternoons,
lazy days, sunny days, nothing much to do.
Rainy days are better days for hanging out inside.
Grainy days and city ways make me want to hide
someplace cool and green and shady.

Find yourself a piece of grassy ground, lay down close your eyes.
Find yourself and maybe lose yourself while your free spirit flies.

August skies, and lullabies, promises to keep,
dandelions and twisting vines, clover at your feet.
Memories of aspen leaves trembling on the wind,
honey bees and fantasies, where to start again,
someplace cool and green and shady. Cool and green and shady.
Cool and green and shady. Cool and green and shady.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Sista Time

Well, I got some much needed "Sista" time today. It's been a while since we've taken the time to get together. This was one of those unplanned get-togethers, and we were minus one sista. First, I went to #3 sister, JJ's, to go with her to find a lamp for her desk. Remember...lamp. While I was on my way to JJ's, #2 sister, JR (who I fondly refer to as the dominant mare...every herd has one--teehee) called JJ and, well, the trip north ended up being a trip south, and the hunt for the lamp turned into first a stroll through Mama's yard looking at all the flowers she planted and treasured for so many years. Then on to fine dining at the local Mexican restaurant, a trip to a nursery to get some yellow jasmine plants (they have a name, but I can't remember what they are now), some shallots, and then a drive down memory lane off South Third Street where we lived when we were kids. (Shhhh, JR doesn't want her son to know we actually went to that part of town--you know a part of town the police avoid...yeah.) It's just not the same neighborhood it was back in the day -- but that sort of thing really doesn't deter the Sistas when we want to go somewhere.

As it turns out our old home wasn't there anymore and the gi-normous yard somehow shrunk. At least it's a lot smaller than I remembered it being when I was four years old. How does that happen, anyway? Time not only heals all wounds, but it shrinks all yards and houses, too. No. Really.

Some fond memories were resurrected, like my older sibs in a fight with a can of whipped cream, watching them play ping-pong at our dining room table, clover necklaces and catching lightning bugs (fireflies to you non-southerners.) Oh, and how we would get our feet wet with dew and walk around after Daddy had cut the grass and get "grass shoes" -- good times. Oh, and I'll never forget the time when JJ beat the tar out of our cousin, Billy, one time when she got totally fed up with his bullying. Kind of an Annie Oakley moment for JJ. Way to go, girl! Oh, great, now I have "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" stuck in my head. Hehe, you do too, huh? Well, you're welcome. :D

Well, when we found our way back to D-County, we finally went shopping for the lamp -- remember the day started out as an outing to find JJ a desk lamp. Well, I found a salad spinner to replace my broken one, and JJ found some really pretty pictures for her bathroom. We did a lot of looking and wishing and walking and walking and walking. I decided I probably need to just register at Bed, Bath and Beyond so Hero can do one-stop shopping for Christmas and birthdays and anniversaries for me. I'm like a kid in a candy store in that place. I want everything I see. Well, almost. But you get the picture.

It was a good day. The only thing that would have made it better would have been to have #1 sister with us. And my daughters.  But that's the problem with the impromptu get-togethers. We're just all too far apart. We need not to be so far apart. We need to get together more. 
Life is good.

Oh, remember the lamp? We never got a lamp. :D

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Oh, I wish I hadn't found this recipe...

Okay, so I'm completely switching gears here. I can do that. I do that a lot. If you don't think so, go to my "Fight Like a Girl Page" and you'll see a lot of gear-switchin'.


So, we finished our supper last night, Hero and me, and settled in to watch our Tuesday night TV programs. (It seems like almost everything we watch regularly comes on on Tuesday nights -- thank you DVR inventor.) I've been trying very hard to stay away from sweets, chocolate in particular, but last night--oh, last night--I had a craving. Nothing sweet was in the house and I was trying to think of something to satisfy this evil craving. SO I got the bright idea to get out the old Mac and look up some quick and easy recipes. Well, I found one...really quick...really easy...and just a few ingredients that are most always on hand. It was 2-Minute Microwave Fudge. No, not the wimpy kind that you melt a few chocolate chips and throw in some marshmallow creme and chill it and then have to still spoon it out. You might as well just eat the chocolate chips and be done with it. Uh-uh -- this was the real deal, tastes just like the kind you slave over and beat forever in an iron skillet only you don't. That never worked well for me anyway.

I had my doubts, but I made it anyway, and I was very surprised. It is delicious. It hit the spot. (Probably more spots than I wanted it to hit, but anyway...)

Because I love all y'all and because I want to share, here is the recipe. The time may have to be adjusted for your microwave.

2-Minute Microwave Fudge
3 2/3 cup confectioners sugar
1/2 cup cocoa
1/4 cup milk
1/2 cup butter (yes butter -- not margarine)
1 Tablespoon vanilla
1/2 cup chopped pecans (or I suppose walnuts would be good)

Combine and cook confectioners sugar, cocoa, milk and butter on high power until butter is melted (about 2 to 3 minutes -- 2 minutes in my microwave). Stir until smoothish -- it'll have nuts in it so no one will know if it's lumpy. Blend in vanilla and pecans. Spread into a buttered pan or platter (8"). Cool for about 15 or 20 minutes in the fridge, if you can wait. Enjoy

WARNING: May be hazardous to your hips. :D

Go ahead...make this know you want to! Then, you can say you wish you hadn't found this recipe!

Okay, my sweets craving is satisfied...back to the healthy stuff. I think I'll go juice some veggies now.....

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Cancer...Ain't for Sissies

Today's post isn't written by me. It is from a fellow ovarian cancer warrior, whose screen name is Rabbitgal. I asked her if I could copy this and post it on my blog, and she graciously granted me permission. She so eloquently expressed the feelings of most of us on this OC journey. This piece is an inspiration to me and many others in our support group. I hope it inspires you, too.

Thank you, Rabbitgal. You said it all....

Chemo Ain’t for Sissies

Okay, the title does say it all, but I’ll go farther.

Yes, we are all well acquainted with the bad side effects of treatment. No matter how healthy someone is when they begin their rounds it is inevitable that the day will come when all the annoying little symptoms of chemo build up and you just want to scream. Tear your own hair out in frustration, but stop, because it’s dropping out from the chemo and you don’t want to speed up the process.

For me this always seems to occur with Round #3. I don’t know why. When I was in frontline that was the magic round where everything seemed to hurt at once. I draped myself over various pieces of furniture, breathed shallowly and marked the days off on the calendar knowing the feeling would eventually pass. The rounds after that were better. Go Figure.

Now Round 3 into Doxil, everything happened all at once. I was such a fan of Doxil. All the cool kids were doing it! I had energy to spare and I still had my hair! I sneered at chemo. I ate what I wanted, worked out, went out and lived daringly by taking warm showers and drinking hot tea. I said, “Hmmph, what chemo?” Sure, I had a few red spots. But they didn’t itch. I was good. I was cool.

Even funnier, I was becoming a good drug dealer. Whenever someone would post about recurrance I would tell them that all the rage is retreating with Doxil/carbo. How much easier it was than frontline chemo and how I still had hair! Psst, you gotta try this!

Then 10-14 days after Round 3 my symptoms started to compile. I suddenly had red, itchy patches on my feet from the rubbing of shoes, mouth sores, a bacteriological thingy happening in my eye because of suppressed immune system, where I woke up with green junk coming out of a corner. Oh and some painful burns on my elbows. I had inadvertently leaned on the armrests during infusion time. I thought I was doing a good deed for my iced up wrists by my not putting pressure on the ice packs. That way I wouldn’t get a burn on my wrists….Then my wrists and hands were fine, but my elbows are shot. Do we ever really catch a break? Not a happy camper.

But you know what? I’m still okay. That is the way I see it. Yes, on this past Thursday all the annoying little pains added up and I wanted to scream. But on Friday I forced myself out of the house and into an art museum and did a bit of retail therapy and came home happy even though I could only eat soft things and had to walk around barefoot thru the house clutching ice packs and diaper rash ointment to quell the itch. I’m still alive and if you are alive it’s a great day!

Okay, so everyone knows what the physical agony of chemo can be like. But cancer just doesn’t mess with our bodies…no sir, it will not stop there. It messes with our heads. Let’s face it some of us would rather have physical woes than mental torture any day of the week.

Even the ones who are in remission or even considered cured past their five year mark will never quite be the same person again. Some of this is good. We know the good lessons cancer can teach!

1. We finally understand what is important to us.
2. We finally know who is important to us
3. We have a better vision of why we are around and why we want to stick around
4. We have more compassion
5. We appreciate every day of health and realize petty things just don’t count

Those are the good things.

But let’s delve into the bad way it messes with us. No matter where you are in treatment or remission you may walk with anxiety and death in your head. The clock ticks and if you are up late at night you can hear that clock. Every minute marches us closer to our end. Regular people without cancer have the clock too, but they ignore it and sleep like babies. Our clock can tick loudly, any day of the week, at any time.

Cancer is not just physical disease…it is also a psychological criminal that can steal our peacefulness. We wait on edge for test results, procedures, Dr. visits and new chemos. We get unnaturally unnerved when women we know with this disease die, because we fear we are next. Tick Tock! It’s nasty!

So the way you conquer that is to be fully immersed in the moment because the moment is precious. Use that good part of having cancer to understand what happiness can be and leave the fear behind. How to do this? Be aware that the clock ticks for all of us and it’s crucial to use our time wisely and not waste it in worry. No one knows the future and you may be the one who has the years left. Stay on top of that fear and not let it rule you.

Because who hasn’t been unnerved by something we didn’t understand on even a routine CT report?

I remember having some “Interstitial lung opacification spots” written on my report and my hair almost fell out without chemo. I thought there was cancer in my lungs. It was a bad weekend. I kept telling my hubby that I was certain every time I breathed in I could feel the tumors. I was nuts. Then after the Dr. appt they told me they weren’t cancer anyway.

See what I mean? It’s all about attitude, how you choose to react and the power of your mind. I was robbed of that particular weekend. By useless worry and fear.

So, rein in that fear and rejoice that you are still alive. There is still a lot of hope. People are living longer with this disease than ever before and new things are coming along the way to help us.

If you are in remission go out and enjoy yourself. Sure your cancer may come back…but you know what? Maybe it won’t and you don’t want to waste your moment in the sun worrying about something that may not happen. What if it doesn’t come back for many years? You don’t want to be a professional worrier that wastes those years. What is important is that today you are healthy and disease free. Live your life like you have many years left. Why not? You might.

If you are struggling with your disease… on your good day get out and be with someone who matters, or enjoy your hobby, or read a good book. Don’t waste your moment, because if the right thing happens in your case you may still have years left to you and you don’t want to waste it with useless worry.

We all lack a frightening amount of control when it comes our time to die. All of us have to accept that whether or not we have cancer. We don’t know when or how. All we can do is to fight our condition and we have to enjoy ourselves during our fight. Why? Because then we have taken away the psychological component of cancer. That is how we empower ourselves. That is one sure way we will win on cancer whether our physical body eventually succumbs to it or not.

One last thought. Do yourself a favor. Do not read statistics or allow your Dr. to quote them. That just keeps a whole lot of nonsense rolling through your head. It may not apply to your case whatsoever. No one knows. Not even the doc. All you can do is take care of yourself, eyes on the prize and keep going.

That is THE SECRET to lasting. Any of the people who are going out years from diagnosis probably have that in common. They like to live. They are engaged in life and they are willing to go thru hell to stay in life. Eventually we all die no matter how we believe, but in the meantime you can extend your time quite a bit and who wouldn’t take that offer?

Cancer is a war you got drafted into and you need a warrior attitude to survive it. Good warriors shelve the fear and learn ways to defeat the enemy. I’m just glad I can’t feel any tumors when I breathe in and I still have my hair!

Blessings to everyone….

Monday, January 31, 2011

Hiding His Word in My Heart

One of the things I have resolved to do this year is to quit making excuses about not being able to memorize scripture (or anything for that matter). I have committed to Beth Moore's "Siesta" Scripture Memory Team for 2011. The commitment is to learn two scripture verses (or passages) per month for the next twelve months. At the end of the twelve months, I will have the opportunity to attend a conference with apparently several thousand other women who have hidden God's Word in their hearts all year. And yes, I am making plans for a year in advance. I am excited about the road trip to Houston and meeting all my spiritual siestas, but I am more excited about all the scriptures I will be learning over the next twelve months. This kind of commitment is something I have never been able to keep, and I am determined that with help from my Father and encouragement from my hero and my daughters, I will be able to do this.

My choices so far (only three to date) have been very meaningful to me where I am in my spiritual walk. I have to confess that I considered using some simple ones that I've pretty much known all my know John 3:16, Psalm 23, Ephesians 4:32, oh, and, of course, Genesis 1:1, but I decided I'm going to embark on a whole new set, and not settling for just one verse. I'm going to try to get the gist of the passage. We'll see. I can do all things through Christ Who gives me strength. (No, that's not one of them either. :)

My passage for January 1, fitting I thought for the beginning of a new year and a new commitment, is Jeremiah 29:11-13: For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. (NKJV)
Wow, that's pretty profound, don't you think? He wants to give us a future and a hope. He will listen to us if we pray to Him. He can be found, but we have to seek Him and search for Him with all our hearts.

January 15's passage is from Psalm 103:1-5. Another confession, I had attempted to learn this one several years ago, but whined that I couldn't memorize anything, and gave it up. (Remember, now that was BCB -- before chemo brain.) I am not only doing battle with my whiny nature but also with chemo brain. All things...through Christ...who gives me strenth...ˆ

Anyway, back to Psalm 103:1-5. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me bless His holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits. Who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies. Who satisfies your mouth with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagles. (NKJV) 

Need I say more about that one? I think not. It's breathtaking when you really meditate on it and take it all in. Oh, how He loves you and me.
February 1's passage was inspired by my pastor's sermon this morning about how, while God saves us from our sins, it is still our responsibility to put off the old self and put on the new self. He leaves that part up to us.  Well, without further adieu (for I cannot do Pastor T's sermon justice) here is the scripture passage: "...put off concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind and that you put on the new man which was created according to God in true righteousness and holiness." -- Ephesians 4:22-24

Did you catch that...put off/put on thing? I wonder who besides me never really gave much thought to the fact that the reason we (or at least I do and it looks to me like others do to) struggle with our old nature is that maybe we think God is just going to take that away from us and we don't really have to do anything. Well, what I see is a picture of a continual putting off and putting on that happens on a day to day (and sometimes minute by minute) basis, just the same as taking our morning shower and putting on clean clothes. In our daily time spent with the Father, we have to will to take off the old and put on the new so that we can be the new creations that He made us to be. No wonder I've struggled so with the old versus the new. Hmmmmm.

Anyway, if any of you "Siestas" out there are participating in the Scripture Memory Team, I'd love to hear from you and hear what scriptures you're working on.
More later...

P.S. I'm hoping my daughters will jump in there and do the scripture memory with me. Their cute little memory card spirals are on the way. :)
Here's a picture of my scripture memory spiral. It will also be my ticket to the conference in Houston in January 2012. Pretty cool, huh? Don't you want to do this?
P.P.S. I hope I haven't given the impression that I'm doing this scripture memory thing for the conference, or to exercise my chemo brain. I feel the urgent need to get closer to my loving, Heavenly Father, who has been beckoning me to seek Him with all my heart. Yes, that's the reason. Everything else if fluff.